My Misery Is So Addictive

Ever since I read The History of Love by Nicole Krauss, I've secretly kind of wished that my name was Alma. For one thing, Amanda is an extremely common name, especially among Asian Americans such as myself. Second, I've always kind of felt that my name was chosen as merely the complement to a pair, as if my sister and I were meant to be matching salt and pepper shakers. I can't be so cynical though, since the meaning of the name "Amanda" is translated to "she who must be loved", which has been an image of myself my entire life. My Chinese zodiac, the Horse, is described as needing people. In the words of Chromeo, I'm a needy girl. Alma, on the other hand, translates to "nurturer", which is a fitting name for a character in a book that basically inspires the discovery of love.

I dreamt that two recent acquaintances of mine were the main characters of the book, and that I kept them apart.

Tegan and Sara - Arrow

Some links to short stories by Nicole Krauss:

- Future Emergencies

- The Last Words on Earth

- From the desk of Daniel Varsky

Pg 144

I just realized I'm only 10 posts shy of 700 blog posts. Which is horrifying to me considering the major bulk of this blog was written by my friends and I, when we all sounded like hyperactive children. I promise, we're much cooler now (except for Laura. I have no idea what happened to her (just kidding Laura, in case you ever stumble on this, which you probably won't since you're not cool now...but if you are reading this, it probably means you got cool again, so the previous insults are now void)). Reflecting back on how most people see me today and how I acted the majority of my life and I think I'm doing a pretty good job at deceiving everyone. It's just a little embarrassing when showing people this blog and having them read through some of the older stuff that was written.

It kind of sucks to realize that this blog is like a relic of a period of time in my life when I had friends, and now it's largely a solo project.

Note to anyone reading this blog: being on your computer all the time so you can instant message your "friends" does not make you popular. Get off the computer and interact with people. Also, sunshine is healthy for you.

Woods - Military Madness

Beware of the Maniacs

Ohhh two posts in one day?! I am just ambitious aren't I...

(The answer is no, no I'm not. I am just procrastinating.)

Just recently started reading Toothpaste for Dinner. It's late, I know, but at least I'm reading it.

Morning Light

So I am finally making good on my promise to come in every week to volunteer for Nancy...next week. (Haha!) I feel bad for being completely unreliable, but considering the little benefit I'm getting from the majority of the work I do there, it should be understandable. General responsibilities in the foreseeable future: tutoring middle school children (which, as far as the creepy child stereotype goes, a lot of them still fall under...it's not very fun to hang out with a kid when the only thing they'll do is stare blankly at your face), and volunteering for Carry5 and Water1st, as well as working on the youth advisory board.

The only thing that I'm really looking forward to is the holidays. Not because it's a fantastic cheery time of year and full of good will and all that other bullcrap they try to package in a card. But because it's the one time of the year that the majority of people actually sincerely try to pretend like their life could possibly be a model for a Hallmark card. Normally I dislike seeing all these fake people but sometimes it's nice to take a break and pretend with everyone else that it really is the most wonderful time of the year.

Other than that life is basically the same. The only other highlight is the possible ownership of an actual high quality camera. I don't pretend to be a good photographer or even an amateur. I will admit that I love beautiful looking cameras, as well as the wonderful pictures that come from them. I am tempted to figure out a way to buy an antique camera.

And I keep telling myself that I'm going to go see that famed Chewing Gum wall, or go to a park, or just basically go anywhere at all, but I'm a liar.

Elliott Smith - King's Crossing

Ughhhh

I hate being busy. Maybe it has to do with Milan Kundera's book, Slowness. Which basically discusses the relation between speed and forgetting. Then again, I could be honest and just admit that I hate being busy because I'm pretty lazy and would much rather be curled up at home with a cup of hot cocoa.

Which reminds me, I need to lay off the hot cocoa. It isn't even December yet but I've made a serious cut into my cocoa rations.

There is one overarching sound in my life, which is this: Ughhhhhhhhhhh.

I would like to play it all off, like life isn't corny and dramatic when you don't want it to be and painfully boring, despite the fact that you imagine you're the center of the universe.

And to top it off, my usual anchors, the people in my life that you can generally just drop a couple words by and feel like you're someplace safe, are scattered around the world, literally. I lost one to Uzbekistan, one to RISD, and one to time.

(Ughhhhhhh)

Oh, and if I may interrupt myself, I highly recommend Milan Kundera's works. Particularly Unbearable Lightness of Being, mainly because of the whole "lightness" concept which I find interesting. But also because it's a fairly interesting book with a very good plot and interesting writing technique. The majority of his stories follow the same style, in which a few characters' lives interweave and single events are seen at many different vantage points, with added philosophical meandering and just general poetry.

My favorite place right now is the UW libraries, among the book stacks. Unfortunately, I had a mishap and walked through section after section of books describing wars all around the globe spanning human history. It was a little disturbing, yet still satisfying to walk through and read some of the funniest book titles I've ever seen. And the Middle Eastern section of the library is full of beautiful hard cover books that look amazing. I like them even though I can't read any.

Funny eh?

I quite possibly had the best autumn morning of my life today. During the long walk to the bus stop I was accompanied by hundreds of maple seeds, looking like frantically flying moths. It was the most beautiful thing I've seen, one of the many reasons why early fall is one of my favorite times of the year.

I'm waiting for dinner.

No music today, not because there isn't things worth sharing but because I'm not in the mood.

Is Just It?

Rilo Kiley - It Just Is

Right now I like the imagery of roots and branches and veins.

A little sick of fighting? With everyone...

Friends that disappear. It's like losing a finger. The phantom limb?

People that expect too much.

Distance that grows with time.

It all sickens and tires me. I have no motivation to even smile.

The perfect day would be a day with close friends, with photography props and crazy themes and costumes, in a field and creating something with someone. That it might be possible, for just one day, to create a world, transpose the utopia in my mind to reality, and the evidence locked in pixels. That would be a wonderful day.

Weather vanes.

It's getting harder and harder to move.

OMG IT'S A NEW POST

Have I ever mentioned just how much I hate blogger templates? Choosing them out and all that. No matter which one you get, after a while they either seem too over the top or just subtly annoying. And the fact that it probably reflects something about the writer? I figuratively throw my hands up in the air with it all.

I do not understand what's so great about walnuts. Why are they all over my muffins and shit? Peanuts, almonds, walnuts, and pecans can all kiss my ass and stay the hell out of my food.

Here is what I hate the most about blogging. It's so pointless. What am I supposed to say here, what words will jump out in google search and make you read what I have to say. I could probably write the most disgusting racist bigotry and no one would notice. What if I was like Keiko Lynn and I just took pictures and wore wonderful clothes until people believed that they can find happiness in a vintage dress?

When I look into the future and try to decide what I want, what I'm working towards, all I can think is how wonderful it would be to live inside Andrew Bird's guitar, or in Zach Condon's french horn. I want to live inside the Flying Club Cup and then procreate with Armchair Apocrypha. Is that what other people feel too?

And I would love to hear what those albums sound like during sex. Amiright?

Blind

Am I allowed to admit here that I love torrents? And it's really hard for me to believe how easy it has made my life. I used to download song by song, scouring blogs to find everything I could. Or going on terrible websites like Multiply (I'm not trying to insult people who use Multiply) and searching music posts just to download random music, simply because it was all that was available to me. I feel like someone who used to rummage through garbage and has just been introduced to grocery stores. Even years after its introduction, I'm still surprised at how easy it is, and am overcome with this feeling of utter bliss.

So I guess one benefit of not being in the dorms is this whole torrenting business. If I had to buy all 804 albums I own, I don't think I'd have any money for tuition or space in my dorm.

I think I'm going to have to stop taking naps on the couch because they are seriously messing up my dreams. I've had two of the strangest dreams of my life. I won't even go into them because they're TMI, and I don't think anyone wants that imagery in their head.

La Roux - Quicksand

(Not) Fine For Now

Waiting for the next class to start. I keep forgetting that my bus is really full and that we have to take a detour due to construction. It's completely bananas. I ended up missing my class, though it wasn't on purpose.

I feel like I should just hibernate all winter.

VCR

The best part of my morning thus far is the anticipation of a cup of nice, warm, chai green tea. I originally bought it for my dad, but for subversive reasons; I've been aching to try it every since I caught a smell of its tantalizing aroma. And now I sit waiting for it to be ready for consumption.

I feel like I love Octobers. The certainty of the end of summer, and the quiet, muting presence of gray clouds. The memory of warmth that you can get from a cup of tea or a warm blanket, and the whole thing is nostalgia.

I'm missing the feel of an espresso machine under my fingertips. I miss the hiss of steam, the rising foam of the steamed milk. I miss the sound of the grinder and the smell of the espresso beans, and the creamy espresso shots filling the shot glasses. I've been contemplating applying for a job again in another cafe. Not that I need the extra responsibility; I just miss making coffee.

I am looking forward to really start working on the Water 1st Youth Advisory Board (W1YAB), however. It's the start of a new school year. It doesn't matter that little over a month ago I was still doing summer quarter, or that the bulk of my summer rest and relaxation lasted for a week, or that it came after summer had ended and fall had officially begun.

Anyways, Happy Birthday Ghandi! and here's to hoping everyone else can enjoy this wonderfully bleary day.

The xx - "Heart Skipped a Beat"

Getting it Wrong Almost Every Time

I've only just finished the first week of the new school year at UW (it's actually only been two days). A recent $10 bonus to my already scanty monthly allowance, and the apprehension of an 18 credit quarter (yes, I know I'm crazy) and somehow I already look like I haven't had a day of sleep for the last four months. And maybe there is some validity to that claim, as every night I spend whispering into my cell phone, imagining the electrical cords that keep my phone from dying mid-four-hour-conversations, is somehow magically winding it's way to my recipient, like an electrical futuristic version of strings and cans. Unfortunately, that's only a guess on my part, since I never had a friend to play strings and cans with, and besides that I highly doubt my mom would want to tempt fate by allowing me to get tetanus from rusty cans to the ear.

The revamping of Hipsteradio is hardly a permanent one, nor is it much awaited for and to be honest (and I have no reason to fear honesty here, since no one is reading) this is just a purely random revival of a long-dead blog. As the quarter drags on I highly doubt I'll be able to keep this up. But I will try.

So far I haven't yet worked out how to link music here. I forgot how to login to yousendit (and am too lazy to make a new account) and Google recently changed their sites application, so everything is tentative.

What classes are these, that they take all of my time? Introduction to Microeconomics, Introduction to Globalization, Appreciation of Architecture, and Language Policy. The only good thing about this quarter is that I now have my Fridays completely free. You would think with a perpetual three-day weekend this would be a piece of cake, but add on an internship, volunteering for a youth advisory board and possibly heading an organization at UW, and I think we can all agree that my time will be going by very quickly.

Hopefully this will just be enough to keep me on track and from slipping. I'm seriously contemplating jumping on the ADD bandwagon and getting myself a prescription for "student-enhancing drugs" (aka Ritalin), but I'm hoping I have enough determination and discipline that I won't need it. So far that hasn't held true; yesterday my mom caught me making origami stars, and today I've spent the majority of my time chatting, going on Facebook, reading Pitchfork, webcomics, and now this. I am certainly off to a great start.

And though I'm not deathly behind, and I have all THREE days of my weekend (I'm sorry, but I can't stop gloating over this), I went to buy my last textbook today and found out that it won't be in stock until probably next week, though that's not even a certainty. What does that mean for my studies? I'm going to be at least a week behind in readings. Hopefully I can just leech notes off of someone else, but I'm still not comfortable with the idea of it.

And so here concludes the first of probably very few blogs at the start of the quarter when I still have time to do things.

A little blurb: Jessie, I miss you! I hope you're doing great at RISD and it's hard having you on the other coast.

New (Legit) Site?

Well, here's some breaking news for absolutely no one because no one reads this anyways.

I've decided to relocate to a new site, using Google Sites. It's a little bit more convenient, and it's a new idea for me. However, I'm not exactly sure how long-lived it will be. In terms of format, it's much easier to use Blogger because in general all I have to do is type and click; in Google Sites I have a bit more discretion of what I want and where. The organization here is much simpler, and I don't have to work quite so hard on it. But, at any case, I've been dreaming for a site for Hipsteradio since I created it here, so I'm going to try it out.

What will happen to this site? I have no clue. Like I've said before, I really want to keep it. It would be really helpful if I had some other authors who posted here, so that I had more ideas with what I should do.

The other Hipsteradio site is very...basic for now. I don't have any big ideas for it, and I don't even know how I want to format it.

Fanfare

Wow...so yesterday's post is actually incomplete because I wanted to finish later and never got to it, and instead I ended up publishing it in a hurry. So it ends with an incomplete sentence.

I am supposed to be studying for my mid-term in my Intro to American Politics class right now. I am taking a short break because my everything is exhausted from studying so much. I don't know how late I will stay up tonight, but staying up until 4 and trying to wake up at 6 is not as fun as it sounds (and it does not sound very fun at all). My study anthem is Tokyo Police Club's song, "Citizens of Tomorrow." It just so happens to be perfect because it is a "futuristic" song set in 2009 where everyone is enslaved by robots, and I am studying American politics.

For my exam:
"Has the modern presidency gained too much power? Support your answer with examples from specific actions of modern presidents.
Modern presidencies now enslave boys and girls by forcing them to build spaceships at night while our robot masters attempt to clean up the ruins of the old world. They now put microchips in our heart so we can't run away and they can blow us apart at their discretion. In my opinion, that is way to much power."

But seriously, at this point I'm not even sure if I want to study it anymore. I also have another exam that same week for my oceanography class, which means I should start doing the readings and watching the lectures. I started the quarter off really strong, and I was about two weeks ahead in all of my classes, but somehow I am barely keeping up with everything now. This quarter has passed by so quickly, and soon I'll be worrying about finals and then trying to relax over spring break.

Did I ever mention that I might be graduating from the University of Washington by the time I'm 20? That is, if I figure out a major and work really hard to get all of the credits finished, and take summer quarters. Which is entirely possible. I like political science, and specifically American politics. I find it fascinating. But, on the other hand, I am now extremely freaked out and I feel like I'm already having a mid-life crisis. I mean, in my class we discuss President Bush's 2000 election, which was barely 9 years ago, and I was ten years old at the time. I was in fifth grade! That was barely half of my entire lifetime ago. I feel really young and now I'm supposed to decide what I'm going to do for the rest of my life right now.

I know I talk about this a lot, but I am simply not okay with finding a career that will only result in money, not a feeling of accomplishment, worth, beauty, or honesty. My sister and my mom actually tried to convince me to consider a business major, at which point I just started sobbing and saying that it isn't fair. A completely childlife reaction, I am aware, but legitimate all the same. I want a job where I can utilize all of my abilities. I want to use my mind and my body, and at the end of the day I want to feel like everything was worth it. I'm terrified with the idea that someday, I will be couped up in a cubicle and that I won't even remember having ever writing this or feeling this way.

I know that I act responsible, but I'm not. I'm a terrified child extremely opposed to being forced to grow up.

In the meantime, I'll be getting back to studying. As soon as next week is over, I will probably start trying to get more musical and less rantical.

Postcards From Italy

I never noticed before, but I actually really get annoyed if people honk their horns at bus drivers or cut in front of a bus. (Well, unless a bus driver is a jerk or a horrible driver) I don't think I could ever do that. I don't think people should feel like they have the right to cut off someone else just because they think they can get by with that. A smaller car and a lead foot do not add up to Ass of the Road syndrome.

I am not really ready to post songs on here, just because I am so out of sync with music these days. I can barely keep up with when artists are coming out with new albums. And in some ways I think I am still trying to figure out what kind of music.

Dull to Pause

Has anyone else noticed the ridiculously long label list? It's starting to bother me. I used to think unfondly of other blogs that had really stupidly long lists on the side of their page. But, I don't really know anymore. It's okay, for now, and I am too lazy to think of something that is nicer looking. I am aware that some of those labels are completely...ridiculous. I'm not sure if I really want to go through labels and figure things out.

Anyways, I am going to be going off today. I am...stupidly typing here because I really should be getting ready. I think I'm going through a bout of complete indecision; on Friday I changed my outfit six times. And normally I'm the type of person who throws things together and runs out. But to be fair, it was really my hair's fault. It screwed up the way everything looked. (Haha...I don't even know why I just typed that paragraph)

My mom has finally come around to the idea of becoming an intern for my friend Nancy. She's the same Nancy who created Carry5, and the one I've volunteered for for a few years now. A couple years ago Nancy offered me an internship, and my mom turned it down. Actually, when she heard about Carry5, she asked me if I was going to be one of those activists that get put in jail for rioting. Well, now that apparently I am really blowing through college quickly and should be thinking about internships and jobs, my mom has changed her position and wants me to take up an internship. I highly doubt she even remembers that she first opposed the idea of it.

I don't even know how that would go, me being an intern. I have a tendency for doing things that I think I can do, but in fact cannot at all. I don't know how I have gotten this far in life at all. Like becoming a barista without any experience, and I really should be getting ready to go. I will probably come back later and post more, but if not at least I posted this horrible rant.

Freeze

I am still slowly rebuilding my music library. I finally remembered how, a very long time ago, I used to post my music on a site called Multiply. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the people at Multiply deleted all of my best playlists, before deciding to stop downloading music altogether, thereby saving their butts from copyright laws.


Thanks, guys.


So I'm left with picking over some of my more...horrible music playlists from several years ago. Technically I have two Multiply sites, one of which I am still currently using. Because of the limited space on the computer, I'm devising a system of rotation, in which each album or artist stays in my music library until I decide I don't want to listen to it for a while. So far, it has been going pretty well, although I have hit a snag on a 600 song playlist, when I can only upload songs three at a time. That's right, I will have to keep doing that repetitive task 200 times. I'm so excited.


And now I am becoming hyperaware of my Completist Syndrome. I have a horrible tendency to want full discographies of artists that I like, even a little bit. Which is probably why my music library is already at its limit; it's things like downloading 600 Beatle songs, or even the approximately 150 Death Cab for Cutie songs (although, to be fair, I legitimately wanted all 600 Beatle songs and have been listening to each one fastidiously). I don't even pretend to know what that is about. But I always go for the discography, and lately I've gotten into finding all of the album art, as well. Which is just great, because now every time I get rid of some album, I freak out about losing that album art off of my computer. So, along with uploading music on Multiply, I'm also uploading pictures!


I think that this has less to do with "Completist Syndrome" and more to do with unacknowledged OCD.


But in any case, I am trying to figure out some of the albums that have had the highest rotation throughout my lifetime. And I don't even really want to admit that quite a few of them are kind of embarrassing. But, because I know no one really reads this (and I'm just writing this to get me back into the swing of things), here goes:

• Bush - Sixteen Stone
  I don't even know when or why this album suddenly became so popular to my ears. I used to listen to this alternative radio station nonstop when I was just turning into my teens. And, the majority of Bush songs tend to be from Sixteen Stone. Although I am not a particular fan of the band or the music genre, they still have some of my favorite songs ever.
• Weezer - Pinkerton
  This one is really an incredible toss-up between Pinkerton and The Blue Album. I would think that the singles off of The Blue Album are the ones that most define my life (they remind me of one of my closest friends that I had...who I now sometimes refer to as an asshole and sometimes don't even remember for several months at a time). But there really is something to being forced to listen to a single album out of necessity (getting your library card revoked). Over time you just start to like it, even if you don't really want to.
• Third Eye Blind - Third Eye Blind
  I don't even know how to describe (or justify) liking this album. Suffice it to say that I like nearly every song on it, much to my shame and embarassment.
• Billie Holiday - Blue Billie
  This one is actually really interesting. My mom bought this album for my sister at Target, at total random, not really knowing if my sister would like it or not. Turned out, she didn't, and it sat underneath my mom's stereo player for nearly a decade. I pulled it out one day and decided to play it (because I had exhausted my own meager CD collection) and I've become extremely attached to it. Hilariously enough, none of my CD players can play it anymore, even though the CD is in perfect condition.
• Something Corporate - Leaving Through the Window
  I have to say, this album was probably more of a forced liking than anything else. Being trapped in a hot bus on the way to Mt. St. Helens with only one CD kind of forces you to listen to it. And, ever since, it never fails to remind me of that field trip. Not that there was anything particularly nice about that field trip (like, nothing at all), but that is why it is listed here.
• Broken Social Scene - Broken Social Scene
  Truly changed my life, but probably a bit more subtle than some of the other album favorites. Why do I like it? Because it is the best thing ever. Nothing left to say.
• The Beatles - Help!
  I probably would have only paid particular attention to this album because of the movie. But, to be more serious, Rubber Soul is my real favorite album of Beatles, not because of any catchy songs or because of the best movie ever, but because it's a legitimately awesome album. Especially the song "What Goes On." (Oh, and it's amazing to listen to Sufjan Stevens' take on it! Oh jeez...in that case, the tribute album to Rubber Soul is also amazing).
• Minus the Bears - Highly Refined Pirates
  The album that made me fall in love with music. It led me to be friends with three of the most lasting people in my life, and they were the first show I ever went to. They changed my life completely. Sometimes I just want to yell at people and say, "They will change your life!" Which also leads to me hating nearly anyone else who says that they like Minus the Bear.
• Oasis - What's the Story Morning Glory?
  Amazing album, even if it was for a short-lived genre. The title track, as well, is probably one of my favorite songs ever. The beginning of it, too, with the helicopter, always reminds me of the movie Apocalypse Now.

There are other fantastic albums that I should probably mention, like The Shins' Chutes Too Narrow, or Fall of Troy's Doppelganger. There is also Of Montreal's Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer?, probably my most listened to album ever. And, the two lovely albums by the National, Alligator and Boxer.

But that is all I really feel like writing about now. Hopefully tomorrow I will find something equally inconsequential to blather on about.

Welcome to 2009?

A couple of years ago, this site was mentioned on Large Hearted Boy, a very well known blog that many people respect. And sometime between then and now, Hipsteradio has slipped into abyss. What exactly happened?

The success of Hipsteradio was due in large part to the authors who wrote on it as well. They were some of my closest friends in high school, and we enjoyed writing whatever nonsense we felt like. It also increased the amount of times we would check back on our own blog, and would consequently cause us to post more things. Over time, as some of our friendships weakened, we lost motivation to go back to a blog that just reminded us of something that isn't there anymore.

As the creator of Hipsteradio, I can't as easily turn my back on it. I have been considering whether I want to completely delete this blog. I can't.

So instead, I'll welcome in the year of 2009 and possibly get back to posting here. Although, this will be extremely difficult because my harddrive crashed and I lost all of my music. I am borrowing a computer from a friend (although by now I think it's mine) but it only has about 10 GB of free space for my music.