everything was beautiful and nothing hurt

At night I watch my breath disappear into thin air, and a small part of me wonders if we're even breathing the same air anymore. I try to remember that you exist. I can't rationalize your existence by my memories, which are fickle, unreliable things that change shape right underneath my fingertips. I'm relying on physics, on thermal equilibrium more precisely. Because I know that a body creates heat, which raises the temperature of all the objects surrounding it.

And I think to myself, if you didn't still exist, the world would be a much colder place. Wouldn't it?

It was around Thanksgiving when I thought I lost you. It snowed heavily in early November, which never happens in Bellevue. And I remember numb toes and fingers and how you let me just walk away and I almost got hit by a car on the way home because I couldn't believe you didn't care about me anymore and I couldn't warm up even when I was indoors because the world just felt so cold.

"Hey, I'm around."

I still get emails from you. But if I ever faced you, I don't think it would make any of this any more real. Because I've looked into your eyes and seen that you have no love for me, and I felt all the heat in the world extinguish.

But the world isn't so cold now. And I know that I'm not going to die alone.


live on coffee and flowers

These days there are no more deep thoughts.

I think about school, and how if I get a second chance I would do things differently. I think about the situational difference between 正好 and 原来. I focus on the patterns in the curtains and the smell of calcium in the shower head that reminds me of garden hoses and summer.

Sylvia sits at my desk at night. She reminds me of evolution as she tells me to just bite down until "the darkness wipes me out like chalk on a blackboard."

I am Lady Lazarus.
"Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air."

I'm going to get better.