you're not good enough

I keep trying to pull myself away. At times these feel like old scars, the ones on my shins that I inspect in the bath and can't remember where they came from. It doesn't make sense to pick at them; they seem irrelevant to me now. And yet I carry it with me, everywhere I go.

These old scars don't make me impervious to the same old wounds. I'd like to believe there is some learning from mistakes, that there is forward progression in my life that matches my steadily increasing age, yet from what I can see my life moves in concentric circles, with no sense of lineation.

My mind takes flight and I am beyond these streets where I sat on the curb and cried, I am far past my old walks and these stairs where I wanted to have a great fall and I am sitting in an old style bathtub, releasing Sylvia from my blood and I will wake up new and clean and my skin will shine with every scar and every one of them a testament of what is behind me now.


Saru Namii said...

Wounds are hard to leave alone long enough to heal. The fact that they are scars at least says there has been some healing. Of course the wounds of the heart can take so much longer to heal than any flesh wound.

Anonymous said...

If you have lived in an abusive environment where you are constantly told you are to blame and a shame to all, you come to believe this.However it is just a toxic soup and somehow you must find a way to removing yourself from it. I removed myself from my family and went to live in another country, to escape them physically, but it also takes work to uproot the weeds of toxic thought that they sowed from your early youth, so work on removing these too. You do have choices, accept what your family think or say to yourself the people at the cafe liked me so there is something worth liking about me. Take what they gave you(acceptance for just you as you are) and hold it close to your heart. Every time a family criticism comes into your mind replace it with a cafe one. It takes a long long time to heal the wound inflicted in childhood but it can be done.I have done it.

Egypt said...