"When I was young, so much younger than today / I never needed anybody's help in any way / But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured / Now I find I've changed my mind, I've opened up the doors" — "Help" by The Beatles, Help!

I've been silent lately. Every word has failed me thus far.

Everyday I live with the stigma of being myself.

"You are sad."
"You are too negative."
"You are thinking wrong."
"You are pure evil inside."

In my life, there is no discussion. There is no understanding, forgiveness, patience. I am Amanda, I am sad, negative, wrong, evil. My throat reluctantly swallows this bitterness, then resigns itself to never open again.

I don't have to defend myself. To love someone is to be vulnerable, and I am utterly defenseless. The only words I ever use is a plaintive, "I love you", and it is truly amusing how this supposedly meaningful phrase becomes so absolutely meaningless in your ears.

I stand here, the unnamed sister in The Twelve Brothers, on the pyre, unable to defend myself. I am Faithful John, whose good deeds are misinterpreted, incapable of explanation lest I be turned to stone. The Brothers Grimm understood this kind of defenselessness.

I've never known how to ask for help. Help me if you can, I'm feeling down, and I do appreciate you being around. Help me get my feet back on the ground. Won't you please, please help me?

1 comment:

mindy said...

Help, I need somebody! Help! Not just anybody! HELP!