why can't you just tell the truth?

I reach for your hand but let it go in the same instant. Everything is wrong here.

In my mind, you never look me in the eye, always down and to the side. It used to be because you were shy, afraid of not impressing me. Eventually it was because we just weren't capable of seeing each other as we were, so afraid to look over and discover that the person next to us was only human, as that would take away our excuse to hold the other person responsible for happiness.

Things haven't changed in a year, they won't change any time soon. Things don't always get better, you tell me. You don't deserve to have anything better, you add.

I might miss my friend, but I don't miss this. I don't miss how you tried to pass the cruel things you'd say off as all just "a joke", as if I weren't smart enough to tell the difference between humor and cruelty. I don't miss the way you took everything I said and turned it against me, I don't miss feeling responsible for you.

I don't miss you. And it hurts the most that you never gave me anything to miss, but I still feel as if it's my fault.

You scream that I'm a liar, but why can't you just tell the truth?


Ri said...

I just happened to find your blog. You have a great knack for writing. This post made me very sad, probably because I can see the same things happening in my own relationship. Thanks for sharing!

amda said...

I am really glad that you found something you liked. Experiencing a relationship like that can be hard to deal with at times. I'm still have so much more to say too.

If your experience is anything like mine, I just hope that things get better.

Zuyen said...

I am glad I found your blog! I was searching for something good to read. I love the way you expressed yourself.