The Universe Is Going To Catch You

I feel like I should elaborate on this "hiatus", simply as an exercise for myself to discover some ground rules of this hiatus.

Technically, I do not plan on not writing during this period. If anything, I am hoping that by the end of this week, posting for my 365 project will resume on a somewhat regularly basis. The reason for continued posting is simple: if there was any point in the year when it was necessary for me to do something on a day to day basis, it would be this period of time I find myself in.

This "hiatus" is really just a temporary reprieve from reality. I deleted my Facebook and will not be available for chat, and I am still up in the air whether or not I will even respond to my phone (I am tempted to say that I won't, but in all honesty, if someone were to call me, I don't know if I could be that cruel as to skip their call).

I plan to spend my time with a book and no disasters; I'd like to take a few days of not even listening to music, or turning on the computer. I'd like to just feel paper underneath my fingers. I'd like to never open my mouth again, or to make eye contact or feel someone's hand on my shoulder.

For those that want to know why this hiatus is suddenly necessary, I will do my best to elucidate without giving too much away.

I have already retreated from social life before (from about September to December, though by mid-December I was regretting it and trying to revive dead friendships), though it was somewhat less severe than what I am enforcing on myself right now.

The issue at hand here is the sudden and gross violation of trust perpetuated by more than one culprit. Though I want to forgive and forget (mostly forget), leaving myself open just seems like too much to ask. My trust has been broken in several different ways, so that I feel as if I can't trust anyone with anything.

This mindset is ultimately what has been blockading my thoughts; there has to be a basic level of trust in humanity as a whole to take what I write and to "get it", and I'm beginning to wonder whether people will always end up brushing me off or simply being incapable of understanding on any level. Or, even worse (and strangely the one that always happens to me), people will see what I write and hear what I say and use it against me to tear me down.

I'm simply tired of being told that I'm a terrible human being. I don't know how it's possible to cry and not sleep for half a year, to constantly make myself defenseless and to take the brunt of the pain everyone slings around, and for things to not get better at all. I take emotional abuse because I hope that in the end, these people who say they love me will relent, and that things will get better. I don't want an arms race of pain. I have been struggling with this for the last seven months (or, you could say for the last year, or even for my entire life), and I've come to the conclusion that the smart decision is to protect myself.

I honestly hate that it's come to the point where I don't feel safe with anyone, but unfortunately that is the state I'm in.

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