1.28.2010

I'm Me, What's New, So Now Who the Fuck Are You?




When did I become a stranger to myself?


Can I go back to the days when having fingers run through my hair was the epitome of intimacy. When carving into the wooden furniture was the worst crime I'd ever committed.


I remember playing between our mattresses, I remember your sleep-groggy voice. I remember the wide expanse of your back.


I remember when being small and helpless wasn't a crime.


How did things change, how did my definition of intimacy become so complicated. Was it the internet? Instead of being carried on your back now it's the only thing I see of you, hunched over the computer screen. I used to know your mind, what do I know of it now?


I remember laying next to you on the couch and wanting nothing more than to be the exact same as you, I wanted my heart to beat when yours did, I only breathed when you did. But suddenly I've been banished to being a mirror of you, everything opposite.


I'm thankful now for the insomnia that plagued my childhood; it stretched those black nights I spent by your side into infinity, so that now that I spend my nights alone at least I have the memories. I picture in my mind the days when we played ghost, when you entertained me with such fascinating stories. You were so creative, now all you have is sub-par music to express yourself. It pains me to know how you've changed, to see you become a crippled version of your previously vibrant self. And it pains me even more knowing that you're yourself only when you're not with us.


This can't be how it is. I want nothing more than to throw the television out the window, to break all the computers and lock all the doors. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to see all the sharp edges of pain that defines our relationships cutting away at whatever ties we have left.


Please. I'm tired of sending myself out into the world and coming back crushed. And instead of coming home I return to a place of dark strangers. I know you feel it too. But put your pain aside, just for a moment, and remember how you loved us. Using pain to curb pain doesn't work.


Why did we believe in soul mates? Now I only believe in tax benefits. I've punished every relationship I've ever had. I don't want to not be in love. We believed in something, we believed in ourselves. Now we don't even have that. Moving isn't our answer; punishing the people who should care about us isn't going to fix anything.


I can't believe all I have left are the photographs.

3 comments:

Nathan said...

This was absolutely amazing I hope your sister gets a chance to read it even if you don't want her to it's so touching and deep.

I love how honest it is.
It's beautiful and sad but it feels so pure and mature.

Not going to lie I'm totally crying right now.

amda said...

Thanks!

It's true that a portion of it is directed to my sister, but it actually addresses my entire family. I just use "you" for the whole thing partly because I wanted it to be anonymous but also because it's directed to my entire family and so I pictured a single identity that I'm addressing, as if each person is only a part of the whole, therefore using just "you" to address them would be good enough.

Nathan said...

Yeah that use of ''you'' really does make it all feel strongly connected everything that was written feels like it resonates with almost every single word used though.

The result is just amazing you really are a fantastic writer. It's left me with feelings that I've never really felt before but they aren't bad they're good and hard to explain.