Whispers and Fears

Morning surrealism; my legs feel like they belong to a mannequin, physically disoriented -- I can see that I'm sitting down but it feels as though I'm sitting on a chair sticking out of the wall. My eyes are in hyperdrive, as if I'm in REM sleep but my eyelids aren't closed.

So today is off to a good start.

Just as I feared, this winter is already passing. We've now entered the damp period, everything is misty and the air feels like a wet cloth over your face. I miss the dryness of the air and the clarity of the sky.

I face each day feeling scared, worried, like a criminal walking amongst gods. How lowly, how deceitful. I'm trying to be a better person, at least this year, but I have a feeling that I'm only fooling myself. There's a growing bubble right behind my eyes, waiting to burst into tears, waiting to succumb to my fears. And yet what surprises me is the numbness, how like a shell my body has become, so empty and vacant. I've practiced being once-removed from life for so long that it almost seems as if I'm incapable of ever coming back.

Everyone is waiting for me, but to do what I'm not sure. Waiting for me to slip up? Make a mistake? Done and done. Or maybe they're waiting for me to be human again, instead of hiding.

This day is going to be hard to bear. So I'll put in my earphones and drown out my thoughts, I'll pass the time hypnotizing myself on the computer, keep these bad thoughts at bay for a few hours or more. And when they no longer can keep the bad thoughts away, I'll push my physical limits by exercising until my body won't stop shaking and I lose control of my muscles, until I can lay down and pass out, so that I might wake up the next day and realize I lived through one more day.

Who really wants to live like this? I'm wishing for an escape but I'm too afraid to go towards the exit.

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